The Relationship Between Perfectionism and Insomnia

Are you a perfectionist who has trouble sleeping? Or maybe an insomniac who tends towards

perfectionism? If there was a Venn diagram of perfectionism and insomnia I think it would be a near circle. So why do perfectionists have such a hard time sleeping? The answer has to do with the combination of hyperarousal and expectations.

While there is no one definition of perfectionism, it can generally be considered a personality trait in which someone has unreasonably high standards or expectations, a hypersensitivity to perceived mistakes, and is intensely uncomfortable with negative outcomes. To understand how this connects to sleep problems, let's talk about what insomnia is. Insomnia is difficulty falling or staying asleep despite opportunities to sleep and when the sleep difficulties cause daytime impairment or distress. Insomnia is about something getting in the way of your body falling and staying asleep. There are a number of things that get in the way, but two that connect directly to perfectionism are hyperarousal and expectations.

Hyperarousal

Hyperarousal is when the body remains stuck in an active, fight-or-flight like state for prolonged periods. It includes feeling alert, on edge, reactive, trouble relaxing, racing thoughts, and always scanning for problems, needs, etc. In a perfectionist this can look like someone who is always busy, always thinking, always doing. For many perfectionists, this hyper-aroused state continues all day with the expectation that at bedtime they will be able to shut it off and go to sleep. But our bodies and nervous system don't work that way. Our mind doesn't always know the difference between real danger and what just feels tense or scary, so if your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and body have been sending signals to your mind all that problems abound then it's going to be much more difficult for your body to fall into sleep. We can't shift from "everything is on fire" to sleep with the press of a button. After all, if there really was danger then sleeping would be a bad idea. To address this, one needs to be working towards addressing their perpetual hyperarousal during waking hours while also developing a bedtime wind down routine (no, doom scrolling doesn't count).

This ARTICLE from Stanford Medicine is a good starting place for understanding how to deal with hyperarousal.

Expectations

Perfectionists tend to want things to go the way they plan and expect them to go and when that does not happen, like with sleep, frustration and anxiety can arise. But sleep has an inverse relationship with effort. The more we chase sleep, the more we expect perfect sleep, the more pressure we put on ourselves to get a good night's sleep- the more sleep will evade us. I've seen many clients with perfectionism go to great lengths for good sleep- the best bedding and mattress, a bedroom so dark and cold you'd think you were in a cave, boatloads of supplements, teas, and tinctures. Nothing is wrong with these, except that underlying these efforts is a growing anxiety about not sleeping. Add in fancy sleep tracking wearable devices that give you a sleep score and this can quickly become a perfectionist's worst nightmare- a failing test score but the more you try the worse you do.

Perfectionism and Insomnia: What Can Help

Consider a shift in the relationship you have with sleep. Instead of anxiously waiting for sleep to happen, allow sleep to be something that arrives rather than something you have to make happen. Rather than increasing efforts to make yourself fall asleep or stay asleep, find ways to reduce the amount of hyperarousal and busyness you're experiencing throughout the day.

The relationship between perfectionism and insomnia is strong but it doesn't have to mean the end of good sleep. Therapy can be helpful for perfectionism, hyperarousal, and insomnia. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I) is the first line treatment for insomnia and addresses the cognitive, emotional, behavioral, and physiological processes that contribute to sleep problems (including hyperarousal and pressure to sleep). You can find a trained CBT-I provider at CBTI.Directory.

About the author: Katie Bernard, LCSW, is a Florida therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia and anxiety therapy for adults. She provides online therapy throughout Florida and limited in-person care in Sarasota | Lakewood Ranch.