Boundary Setting Guilt: Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Wrong (Even When It's Right)

When I’m working with clients on boundaries, we inevitably reach a point where they experience boundary setting guilt. Sometimes this discomfort comes from anxiety, but more often than not the struggle is guilt. They feel guilty for setting limits or expectations, guilty for saying no or asking for more. This guilt can seem like an impossible roadblock. When boundaries feel bad, it’s not because they’re wrong, it’s because they’re unfamiliar or challenge old beliefs. But here’s the truth: When you've been taught that your needs are less important, setting boundaries doesn’t feel empowering, it will feel wrong. And that’s not guilt- it’s conditioning. 

Let’s take a moment to talk about what boundaries are. On the surface, they are the limits and expectations we set for others and ourselves. It’s saying “no” and communicating needs. Boundaries are also about our own behavior- such walking away when we need to and prioritizing our own well-being. At its core, boundaries are a recognition and respect of yourself as separate from others. It’s honoring that every person is a unique ‘landscape’ of experiences, emotions, goals, and values and that you are not responsible for anyone else’s ‘landscape’ and you are fully responsible for your own. 

Sometimes, life experiences lead one to feel that they have some role in managing another person’s ‘landscape’. And sometimes life experiences lead one to believe that their own is not worthy enough of attention or effort. The discomfort you feel after saying no isn't guilt, it's the echo of old lessons that told you love means sacrificing your own self in the interest of others'.

The emotional discomfort you experience when setting boundaries isn’t a sign that you are doing something wrong, it’s a sign that you’re doing something different. If you’re experiencing emotional discomfort at the prospect of setting a boundary or after you’ve set a boundary here's what I suggest: Acknowledge and name what you’re feeling, remind yourself why you’re setting it, and re-engage with your goals, values, or the present moment. Calling a supportive person to talk through it can be helpful, as can journaling. 

Remember, emotional discomfort is a normal part of growth, don’t let it become a roadblock to a new and healthier you. So, what boundary are you ready to set, even if it feels hard?